Am I (simply) a woman?
When I started volunteering for Spher in November 2020, the website of the company claimed that Spher was building an app for female safety.
These words didn’t feel right, what is female safety?
I lightly expressed this concern with Jitte on our very first meeting when he asked what I thought about the whole idea. A week later, I met the team behind the project and in that same meeting I pitched why Spher shouldn’t be using the word ‘female’ nor only addressing women, but womxn.
This meant that I had to research on it — because I also didn’t know why it didn’t sound right.
It turns out, it was a big thing on the internet.
This meant that I needed to do a lot of reading and I was happy to, because it was something that truly interested me. But I didn’t know why, exactly.
I was always a human-rights advocate on various levels, and I thought that this was just that. But as I have been discovering, it wasn’t just that.
It wasn’t until we were discussing if we should display our pronouns after our name in internal communication and social media, that I realised that I didn’t feel ok with being she/her.
I have tried many “styles” or “identities”, most with my hair. I always used boy’s clothes, including my grandparent’s jumpers. I could dress very feminine one day and very masculine the day after. I always loved clothes and experimenting customize them with a pair of scissors. I used to love the big days like X-mas or Easter because I could think about and pick an outfit.
This is to say that I always was mindful of my identity and what others can perceive or not about me.
I also had phases where I would use my clothes and appearance to say “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK” or “YES I AM CONSCIOUSLY TRYING TO STAND OUT”.
I had a lot of phases, but this is the first time I am questioning my gender identity. I haven’t, to this day, specified my pronouns — if I really had to, I would chose she/they because it feels much more comfortable than she/her.
And the reason why I haven’t stated that is because THIS IS NEW TO ME and I don’t want to rush things, to put a label just because I need a label. I want to discover more.
Some weeks ago I was filling this questionnaire and I just couldn’t write “woman” in gender (why is gender so f* important btw?). I also don’t see myself as simply nonbinary because I identify a lot with the feminine and I want to be connected to it. So I wrote “nonbinary woman”. I am a woman, or a womxn, but I am not at the end of the spectrum, I never was and I don’t want to be.
Above all, I feel that I am embracing a huge part of myself that didn’t have a name until now. And I am super happy about that.